Bali Chat Forum

Lighter Than Air

A blonde is overweight so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days," he tells her. "Then skip a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly four stone. "Why that's amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger you mean?" Asks the doctor.
"No," replies the blonde, "from skipping."

Some Oirish Jokes specially for ellyeagle.

An Irishman goes to his local post office with a parcel for his mother in Dublin.
"This parcel is too heavy" the post office clerk tells him, "you'll need to put some more stamps on it".
Says the Irishman in amazement, "But, if I put some more stamps on it, won't they make the parcel heavier?"



It was Sunday afternoon, and Pat and Mick were bored.
"Let's go to the pictures," said Mick, "we could see Moby Dick."
"I don't like them R-rated films," Pat replied.
"Don't be so daft," said Mick. "It's about whales."
"That's worse," said Pat, "I can't stand them Welsh bastards."



Paddy and Mick, both farmers, met one day at a Kilkenny fair.
"Tell me," said Paddy, "what did you give your mule when he had colic?"
"Turpentine," said Mick.
A few months later they met again.
"What did you say you gave your mule when he had colic?" asked Paddy.
"Turpentine," said Mick.
"Well, I gave my mule turpentine, and he died," said Paddy.
"That's strange," said Dave, "so did mine."



The employees at the factory where Paddy worked soon discovered that every Tuesday afternoon the boss would always leave work early, not to return that day. So they all decided that if they all left early after him, they could have the rest of the day off, and the boss would be none the wiser. So, the next Tuesday afternoon, after the boss had left, all of the employees went home. But when Paddy got home, he saw through his front window his boss making passionate love to his wife.

The following Tuesday, when everyone else was leaving the factory, Paddy kept right on working.
One of his workmates came up to him: "Hey, Paddy, aren't you going home? The boss has already left for the day".
Says Paddy, "No way! Last week I almost got caught".

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well... she's there."

Lawyers in Heaven

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.

When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?"

"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter.
"It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if
anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord .

Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play A jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage
"OK smart arse. You get up here and do it !"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .



" A jazz chord to say I ruv you "

The Oldies

Oh dear.

Carl Williams had his ex wife visit him in prison last Monday.
She said, "Christ Carl, you are getting fat and flabby. Why not do a bit of exercise?"
He replied "Good idea"
She said "get a bloody exercise bike, certainly that can not kill you!"

From The World Women's Conference

At the 2010 World Women's conference, the first speaker from Canada, stood up "At last years conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband I would no longer cook for him, and that he would have to do it himself. Afer the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb".

The crowd stood up, applauded and cheered.

The second speaker, from France, stood up
"After last years conference I went straight home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that not only had he done his own, but my washing as well".

Once again the audience rose to their feet, applauded and cheered.

The third speaker, from Scotland stood up "After last year's conference ah went home and tolt ma man that I widnae doo his cookin, cleanin or shoppin, and he wid hiftae doo it himsell. After the first day I saw nothin, after the second day I saw nothin, but after the third day, I could see a wee bit oota ma left eye"

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner....

'I think my missus caught a glimpse.....

Politically Correct Descriptions For Men


He does not have a BEER GUT.
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING.
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He is not a SEX MACHINE.
He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES.
He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.

Why men are not allowed to write advice columns


Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

Reply

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking.
Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
'I got a cook book once', said the first, 'but I could never do anything with it.'
'Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?' asked the second.
'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked hHim if he had attended Morgan park secondary school.

"Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner!" he beamed with pride. "When did you leave to go to college?" I asked. He answered, "In 1965. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat arsed, grey haired, decrepit, bastard asked... "What did you teach?"

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pi&&ed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo
clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh sh!t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers, and was totally excited when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father's day. Got my wife an iRon for her birthday. It was around then the fight started...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2010 CLK. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it.
If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"